I recently turned 40 and my journey was really harsh and bumpy. The year 2017 brought unparalleled amount of emotional turmoil that made me realise how extreme pressure and distress could break or make one’s spirit.
Life, they say, begins at 40. This for me is true and took in effect when 2018 arrived. Resolutions here and there were uttered to the moon and back. Yet for me, my ultimate resolution this year is my resolve to healthy living — physically, emotionally and spiritually. And while I am still OK in terms of health and well-being (thank God, I am not a frequent flyer, and don’t intend to be one anytime soon), something about “growing old” makes me value life and everything about it.
I am a low maintenance woman, who, while I fancy pretty items in general, I always think its worth versus my current “needs” at a given time. But there is nothing wrong in giving gifts, or rewarding yourself every now and then. Truth is that I was too anxious with my life in general the past years, especially 2017, this year however, I bought myself a personal gift of a basket of unlimited self-awareness and me-time because of few reasons.
Health is wealth and paranoia is deadly
“Am I going to die?” was a scary question. I have had palpitations, shortness of breath and numbed feelings last September. I rushed to the doctor, had my blood chem worked out and a series of tests. My doctor thought I had anemia…turns out, my body’s iron reserve is way too high than normal. Thank God, my recent blood chem procedure was ok except from the few hiccups on cholesterol and sugar (nothing to worry about for now). I am on the watch now on what food I eat, maintain a healthy lifestyle and best of all, self-discipline and get sleep on time.
A lost loved one is just sleeping
Life is compared to a mist, appears for a day and disappears tomorrow. The vulnerability of life is more evident these days (yes, I repeat…the signs of the last days).
In 2015 my mother in law went home for good. That’s after more than 3 decades away from her loved ones as an OFW. The sneaky sting of death did not actually gave her an opportunity to be with her family.
In 2016, my annual vacation was spent travelling with her to the fish markets where we buy tons of fresh catch for the day, went to the beaches to enjoy swimming etc. When my vacation ended, she was with us in the Airport bidding farewell…made a promise we will see each other again next year. Little did we realize that that would be the last time we would embrace each other.
I just hope we were given more time to enjoy each others’ company, but then again, we have the promise of resurrection and I know I will see her very soon.
The domino effect of loss
Depression is a serious state of mind, anybody can succumb to it and not everybody can cope with it. Our recent loss hit us rock bottom, the family succumb to deep depression resulting to self isolation. For M, the pain was unbearable and we cannot do anything but to allow pain to pass through time. As the wise King Solomon said, there is a time for everything.
It was our time to weep and we let time do the healing. As for me, I realized that in order to survive pain, one must give way to another pain. I was in the verge of just letting go, to give in to the challenge and just surrender…I am still holding on.
Everybody is replaceable
What would happen when security of tenure was threathened, when the only source of your income just closed its doors for whatever reasons? Sweet talks of reliability, promises of “don’t worry, I will help you,” in the end, remained words. I was left clueless on what’s next because everything was beyond my control. This was a traumatic experience for me, for A too for sure.
All is given away
Paul mentioned and reminded us of the “happiness in giving than receiving.” However, over giving can turn everything upside down when the given has exhausted all the resources and when the receiver just keeps on receiving.
Indeed, there is nothing wrong in giving, and whilst I do not have any regrets for giving too much, I have made a painful realization that I gave too much to the point of personal sabotage.
Realize self and be aware
Clealy, accepting failures is never easy but realizing that you are in the situation is humbling. After all, I could never go back to those painful supplications, those sleepless nights and endless sighs of self-realization. I dare not to blame anyone because again, it is exhausting. Now that I know how it is really like to be alone and left out, I think it is just fair to re-evaluate my relationships because I am just too tired of:
- Getting all the blames for others’ incompetence
- Being treated a secondary “priority” (if that phrase really exists)
- Being taken for granted just because I play fair and honest in my own ways
- Getting frustrated because of trusting too much
- Getting bullied because of being either too polite and politically correct, etc.
I can go all day ranting but I know going on with this will lead me to oblivion. Don’t get me wrong, I am a realist, not a bitter person. I have to continue living, therefore, I have to let go and unload the excess baggage in my life, pick up the pieces where I left and put back my life on track. Why? Because giving up life is really not an option and will never be.
Yes, it took a while for me to admit all of these but I know it is not too late to act on these hiccups. My note to myself: Be patient, be brave and be strong for yourself and for others who matter, who deserve your affection, trust and loyalty. Taking this note into heart reminds me of the beautiful sunset everytime I gaze throught it, in awe, in bliss.
If you too are tired of others problems and feel that you are being taken for granted, let them know that Neptune can welcome them with the coldest breeze ever, in case your cold shoulders are not enough for them.
How about you? Do you also feel that you are at the end of your rope? Do you want to share your stories on this page? Do you also want to be heard? My comment section is open for your valuable feedback.