Growing Up Sleepless

Had there been an instance when you wanted to start your sentence with a period? Yes, a period- an end to all the preambles, the end to all the thoughts that seemed to endlessly flow in the oblivion.

As I yield my momentum on a midnight course, I again grasp for a fresh air and tried my best to recall how you sounded like before. Your voice is a melancholy to my ears as you always sounded so sweet and smiling behind the sad beat of your heart. I still remember how many stories and songs you used to deliver before bedtime, how much I laugh all the way to tears until I fall asleep and woke up with the same giggles I’ve had the night before. I know how much courage you braced just to face the days as usual. I know how much pain you’ve felt leaving the past behind our cold shoulders and pretend that everything was ok, that even the small pain will go away. I know.

But knowing isn’t much of a reward, is it?

Truth is that this knowing left me numb all these years finding my heart to a place where safety is obsolete. Yes, I kept my heart safe for fear of losing the people I love. I kept my heart safe because I fear that one day, when I’m all into falling deeply in love and connected with people, I might lose them just as I lost you once and forever. That fear kept me searching for the perfect replica but of course, it’s just a camouflage of my childishness, an excuse so to speak.

And sometimes, the one thing that you fear most is crippling when it eventually becomes your reality. When all you hear in the midnight are your own sobs and nightmares, you would soon realize that even sleep leaves you for goodness’ sake. And when all these sleepless nights crawl onto the tip of your consciousness, you would finally realize that you must surrender and negotiate with time and start to ponder all that’s remain in you, all that’s from him. Until when? Well, until you realize that you have to grow up and grasp what’s ahead of you while keeping all the fond memories you have from day one, as daddy’s little girl.

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